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Free Love Relationship Advice
Being Too Clingy Part 2
A reader writes to Doctor Love for free love relationship advice Continued from Part One
MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
The only person that you can control in life is yourself. I need you to really let that sink in before going on. You can only control YOU.
On first glance of your email, some people may be thinking “Wow, he really cares for her.”
Women who are in relationships with uncaring guys are especially thinking “Awww, I wish my boyfriend would take me on trips, send me texts during the day, and write me letters.” Uh-huh… sure they do… if they have never been on the receiving end of this sort of manipulation.
You are being controlling. (…in a passive-aggressive way!)
You are trying to MAKE her happy.
You are trying to GAIN her approval.
You are trying to KEEP her with you.
Of course she feels "smothered". You're coming to her with an agenda... to fulfill your own emotional well!
Without you even going into detail in your letter, I bet I can tell you some of the behaviors that you’re employing when dealing with her.
I bet you are always rubbing her arm, stroking her hair, massaging her when she’s tired, and taking care of her when she doesn’t “feel well”. After all, that’s what you would want her to do for you, right?
I bet that share your feelings a lot. You tell her that you “love” her and how happy you are to have her. And although she doesn't say it as often as you do, you continue to volunteer the information with enthusiasm, don’t you?
I bet that you ask her where she wants to go, what she wants to do, and how she feels and thinks about the relationship… and you let her whims and momentary desires affect your behavior… basically doing whatever it takes to please her.
Your behavior is not only manipulative, it is FEMININE.
ACT LIKE A MAN
I would like to make a suggestion that you may find helpful. One of my favorite bloggers, Steve Pavlina, recently posted an article that I think every man should read. Click here to visit Steve's Personal Development Blog article on How to be a Man.
1) Women do not want to be in control of the relationship.
It switches the dynamic from lover-partner into mother-son. Sexy? Hardly.
2) A woman does not want a man to give in to her every (sometimes irrational) demand.
She will wonder why he’s trying so hard… isn’t “he” enough?
3) Women lose attraction for men who act like wussies.
A wussy is someone who puts another’s approval above his own. Wussies are not happy with themselves so they try to please to gain love and approval. It’s weak and women - especially desirable women like your girlfriend - don’t want a weak man. Kill your inner wussy.
You admitted that it would “crush you” to lose her. Please don’t tell me that you’ve told her that. A man is not crushed by losing a woman…any woman. A man remains a MAN with or without a woman by his side.
Yes, he may feel sad about the breakup, but by saying that he would be “crushed” is romanticizing the relationship.
In other words "She ain't all that!" :-)
You could find MANY other awesome women in this world. WE ARE EVERYWHERE! :-) Your belief that SHE is the ‘one’ is the reason for most of your clingy-ness and dependence in the relationship. There are other “ones”. Life was fine before her and it will be fine without her.
I’m sure that you are interesting, passionate, intelligent, and probably sexy. ;-) You landed a great girl… she’s been with you over a year. You probably displayed some really awesome traits at the beginning of the relationship.
What happened? What changed?
When did you go from being in love, to NEEDING HER love?
Which brings me to the third part of my analysis...
MAKE YOURSELF YOUR #1 PRIORITY
Reuben, you are putting yourself second. First love you by making sure your needs are met.
I know when I say this people think, "But...that's *big gasp* selfish! You can't make yourself number one ALL the time when you're in a relationship. Sometimes you have to compromise and sacrifice."
And to them I say "You're half-right."
What happens in relationships (which dooms them to failure) is that people look to their partner, that ONE source, to meet ALL of their emotional needs. That's no good folks.
What do you do when your partner has to devote time and energy to other things and cannot fulfill your needs? You become CLINGY...desperate for any kind of emotional nourishment you can get. Like an addict, looking for that next fix, you'll do ANYTHING for love.
You compromise and sacrifice yourself to the moods and opinions of others. Yes, compromise and sacrifice are important in relationships, however, compromising and sacrificing your SELF-RESPECT for the relationship is destructive.
How do you feel when you’re the only one who is putting in effort to keep the relationship alive? How do you feel when you do nice things for your partner and get nothing in return? How do you feel when you are thinking of ways to make her happy and then do nothing but push her away?
Get your needs (NOT your wants or desires) met by other sources than your partner. Find fulfillment in solitude, friendships, learning something, hard work... whatever it takes. Then you will be coming to a partner with an overflow of love to share... instead of looking for love to make you whole.
Point: If you want success in relationships, give YOURSELF the love you need FIRST. Don't look to your partner to completely fulfill you. No one is capable of doing that and you put tremendous pressure on someone by expecting it.
You have to FIRST LOVE YOU or your relationships simply won’t work. Loving yourself means that you take care of YOU first. When you do this, you come to a woman with wholeness… you look to her not to fill a need, but to enhance your life. That makes you attractive... and it's why she fell for you in the first place.
AFTERTHOUGHTS
I hope that I didn’t come across too harsh. I am a bit brutally honest because I think that truth, while sometimes a bitter pill, helps us in the long run.
I wish you the best in your relationship, Reuben. And even if this one doesn’t work out, I am sure that when you apply (even some of) the advice above to future relationships you will be able to enjoy LOVING without being too clingy.
Happy Relating~
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More free LOVE relationship advice
* Don't Be a Gift-Buying Beta Male
* Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone
* Dating Red Flags
Return From Free Love Relationship Advice Part 2 to First Love You BLOG
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