Guilt and ShameThe Futility of Guilt: Actually, it's not all that futile. After a conversation with my dear friend this morning, I got to thinking about the difference between guilt and shame. I use the word "guilt" here as defined by the second definition from dictionary.com 2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. And I use the word "shame" here defined by the fourth definition from the same source. 4. A fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret. The former implies personal responsibility for wrongdoing. The latter implies an emotional state based on wrongdoing… it's a form of embarrassment brought on by a blow to our ego… meaning that we become unworthy in our own eyes through our behavior, rather than taking ownership of the behavior and moving on. I think that guilt is (mostly) useless however, as human beings we cannot only accept some of our emotions and not others. That would be silly. No one is happy all of the time, nor is anyone calm and even-tempered all of the time. I know for a fact that there are many things that we feel guilt about unnecessarily… cheating on a diet, yelling at our children, splurging on an outfit… guilt arises because of (unrealistic) expectations that we set for ourselves since we create our own lives. As such, we can alter or change any definitions we set for ourselves. Good guilt motivates us to change for the better, making us whole. We procrastinate and fail to make plans for our family vacation, then the time rolls around and we have nowhere to go… good guilt means that next year we'll plan ahead. Harping on it or not using the guilt constructively (to alter our future behavior) is when we fall into the trap of bad guilt. This is when we beat ourselves up about how we acted in the past, allowing our negative self-talk to become an irrational script and letting that play out in future situations. Shame, on the other hand, is completely useless. When our actions, feelings and self-talk define who we are and lead us to believe that we are anything less than loving, perfect beings, that's when we have a problem. Sure, taking responsibility is important… yet when we turn one situation into a generalization about what/who we are, then we have blown it all out of proportion and stepped into the valley of shame. We are not "bad parents" because of the way we react when our child wakes up screaming after two weeks of sleep deprivation. We are not "bad employees" when we don't get done all that was on the "to do" list. We are not "bad friends" when we forget a birthday or anniversary or to RSVP to a party. Mistakes don't define us; they help us grow, if we let them. With a world full of luxuries, it's no wonder that instead of spending our time surviving, we spend time wondering if we're living to our potential… setting these unrealistic expectations about being a superior parent, a stellar employee, a shoulder to cry on for our friends, a child worth being proud of, an incredible spouse, etc. Let's be real. These things don't exist! We are ALL doing the best we can at every moment. Being human is hard enough without all of the self-critical attachment to painful thoughts. Life is what it is… and we are what we are. Hopelessly heroic. Devilishly divine. Imperfectly perfect. If we remember that the road back to authenticity is arduous and unending, we'll eventually learn to make peace with our guilt and avoid shame.
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