Relationship Break Up Advice: Abusive Relationships

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You'll Need:
Courage
An Objective Mind
People Who Care About You
Something Else to Love *Hint: It's in Your Bathroom Mirror

Relationship Break Up Advice for Abusive Relationships

Instructions

1. Take notice if you are doing MORE of something.

More lying, more hiding, more denying. More drinking, more drugs, more reckless behaviors. More explaining, more crying, more belly you're trying to squeeze into your pants. : )

If these things are against your character, you WILL notice a difference if you look for it.

Abusive situations are not only cyclical, they are gradual. If you find yourself staying home a lot more, gaining more weight, or getting more acne, you need to ask yourself "why?" Then look at your situation honestly and figure out if you are dealing with the same thing that you did a month ago. Or six months ago. Or two years ago.

If this hasn't happened before, "your MORE", then disregard it, but also look for things you do LESS of... less seeing your friends, less motivation to do anything... less talking, less smiling, less desire for sex with your partner.

This step works both ways. It's basically checking to see if you have changed at all since the beginning of the relationship. Have you?

2. Look for patterns in your fights.

Abusive people are very skilled at making you think that you are to blame. YOU did something wrong.... Even if that something wrong is from a loooooong time ago (and you apologized a bazillion times for it), they bring it up like it just happened yesterday... in EVERY fight.

It's almost like behind their words lies a voice whimpering, "Oh, the wound is still so fresh... I'm going to keep bringing it up and adding even more drama to it... even though it happened, like, forever-ago and it really wasn't that big a deal." Ugh. Whatever. Those people make me sick.

Quit bringing up old stuff. Forgive and forget or get out!

You have to really dissect your fights/arguments and figure out if you are engaging in the same fight that you have fought time and time again. Last time, you were flirting with the waiter. This time you are flirting with the guy at the end of the bar. Next time you're flirting with your own cousin! Now really? Come on. :-)

When you are in a potentially-abusive relationship, the fights tend to be irrational and way overblown. Step outside of yourself and really look closely at each situation. You will witness your mind trying to wrap itself around your partner's crazy logic. At a loss for words, your mind can only process one thing... "WTF?"

If that keeps happening over and over again, notice the pattern. Seriously, when the WTF-ness is really high, you may be in an abusive relationship.

3. Listen to and don't forget the words they say (whether you are angry with one another or not).

If they outright call you a name (kidding or in a fight), then you know that they have the *capacity* to become abusive. Verbal abuse usually escalates to physical abuse...it's just a matter of time.

If they say "Sorry", instead of "I'm sorry"... you know that they do not take responsibility for their actions.

If they say things that are derogatory to women, take heed... even if they are really nice to their Mom. (Being cruel to women is not a real indicator, in my opinion, and I'm sick of seeing it in self-help books... some men are controlling BECAUSE their mothers were demanding/controlling/avoidant/whatever... I won't make your eyes bleed right now, but I could go on and on about this all day. UGH.) ;-)

4. Remember that trust goes both ways.

If they break your trust, they are not worth your time. Trust is not just about cheating either! It's also about breaking the unwritten rule of SAFETY within a relationship. If they scare you in ANY way, you need to get some distance from the relationship to have an objective viewpoint.

If they are always accusing you of things that you aren't doing, then you need to wonder why. Why don't they trust you? Is it because he or she is guilty of doing something? Is it because HE or SHE can't be vulnerable? Or is it because HE or SHE is insecure and jealous? Figure out if it's YOUR issue or THEIR insecurity.

Jealousy and insecurity lead to emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. This person is not healthy enough to have an adult relationship and you should leave them alone as soon as possible... for yourself.

*Remember, that physical abuse may sting and hurt your body, but emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and manipulation can kill your self-respect and self-worth.

5. Listen to your friends.

Yeah... I know... you don't need anyone's approval about the people you date. And I totally agree with you. Who cares what people think?

But there ARE times when you should care:

- When your FRIEND(s) have had enough of your stories... about your "man" who is *still* in contact with that woman he cheated with last year... and how you are "soooo sick of him" (uh-huh, whatever)...

- When your FRIEND(s) lash out and call him an "a-hole" because of the mean thing he said to you...again (*sigh*).

- When your best FRIEND (who was there before him and will be there after him) tells you that you could do *much* better and asks you why are you wasting time with such a loser...

LISTEN. Listen to your FRIENDS!

Friends... ahhh... they're the greatest... they have your back. They care about you... Even though most friends have never said "I love you" to each other, they are thinking and FEELING it... every day. They want to see you happy! They want the best for you!

And when they FINALLY get up the courage to tell you that your boyfriend (or girlfriend) SUCKS... you should take it... with more than a grain of salt! :-)

Anyway, that's all I can think of right now... some warning signs that are not ever listed in self-help books because they can only be learned through experience.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, the only thing that you can do is choose YOU. Choose to love yourself more than you love him (or her)... love yourself more than you love any relationship (or dazzling diamond ring).

Let loving YOU fill you with the courage, the will, and the desire to give yourself the very best that life has to offer. Only then will you find the love that you are currently misinterpreting as "the real thing".

I wish you the best.

Happy Relating~

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